Confusion
by Can'tThinkOfaUsername
Summary: About Effy's struggle to fix things after they come back to Bristol.
1. Self Destruction

**(Sorry- I know someone posted a story with Effy in a similar situation- I hadn't realised that when I started writing this. )**

----------

People came and went. Everything changed. All the time. Things got better. Then they just got worse. And worse. She used to be invincible. Unbreakable. In control. Now, she didn't even know what she was doing most of the time, until the damage was done, until it was too late. She tried to tell herself she didn't need anyone. But that wasn't true, and she knew it. She hated relying on other people, or on other things. So it just started off from this goal of independance. How long could she get by on her own? How strong could she really be, without help? She was hoping that if she took away everything else, or at least something else, she could finally see things more clearly. She could be in control of herself once again.

She had considered silence again. Sometimes things were easier that way. Less was expected from her then. But too much had changed. No-one would understand anymore. The only person who ever understood then was away. Now, occasionally, people accepted. But they never understood.

She had to at least try something to give her freedom. Less reliance. Just for a while. So she stopped eating.

Food: any nourishing substance that is eaten, drunk, or otherwise taken into the body to sustain life, provide energy, promote growth. Sustain life, provide energy, promote growth. It all signified the future. She wasn't ready for the future. She just wanted time to sort out the present without having to move on while the mess around her just got bigger and harder to deal with. Almost impossible to deal with. She wasn't stupid. She knew that food was necessary for survival. She wasn't exactly planning to starve herself to death or anything. And she'd decided drugs and alcohol wouldn't count. She'd still get energy. She needed energy to think. She wasn't trying to make herself weak. She just wanted to see how long she could do it for. If she had the strength to control herself, to resist temptation, maybe then she'd be more ready. If she could reject one mundane formality, she wouldn't feel as if everything around her was controlled by someone or something else all the time.

She decided to try a week to start with. That couldn't be too hard, could it?

The first few days weren't too bad. She felt slightly happier knowing that she hadn't given in to any temptation. No-one had noticed what she was doing yet. She was pleased about that. She didn't want interferance.

By the end of the week, however, she was exhausted. She felt sick and weak. No amount of vodka could make her feel better. It occasionally blocked it out for an hour or two. But when it wore off, everything came crashing back twice as hard as before, like a hangover that never went away. She felt light-headed and dizzy most of the time. She was struggling. But she never even contemplated stopping. There was something about this rediscovered self-control that made her happy in a weird, twisted way.

The week passed by and just rolled into another. All plans to stop at the deadline had faded into nothing. She had to keep going. She spent most of the second week alone. Thinking. Just thinking. She thought about Freddie. She missed him. They hadn't broken up or anything, but he'd decided it might be better to stay away from each other for a while until 'things got back to normal'. She knew he was right in a way. It wasn't going to make the Katie situation any better to have the pair of them happily together every moment of the day. He promised he'd come back to her soon. It had been almost a month since they came back to Bristol though, and she could still see no signs of normality. She thought about Katie. Katie was angry that Effy was back. Unsurprisingly of course. Emily avoided her, and Naomi was with Emily most of the time. Everything was strained with tension. Effy didn't know how to make things right. She thought about it most of the night, most of the day. She was struggling with her concentration too much at the moment to come to any sort of logical conclusion. She'd think for a few minutes, then everything just blurred. She'd feel stiff, her stomach would ache, her head would pound. Then for a minute or two, she wouldn't be able to think. She wouldn't have the strength. It carried on like that repeatedly. Fine for twenty minutes, pain for one minute, blur for two minutes. She ignored the constant buzzing of her phone. She didn't feel like facing anyone. She hadn't been out of the house in almost a week. That was extremely out of character for her, so she wasn't surprised that her friends were curious. Her mum occasionly came in to check on her. She never even questioned Effy's lie that she had a stomach bug and just wanted to rest for a few days. She was too wrapped up in her own problems to see the truth. Apart from that, Effy was alone. It was just her, and a supply of vodka and drugs that was quickly running out.

The third week brought Hell. Her mum had gone away to stay with an aunt for the rest of the summer. Effy was absentmindedly flicking through some college stuff. She was tired of thinking and wanted to do something else. And she'd promised Tony on the phone that she'd resit the exams that she missed. She didn't care too much for studying. She didn't see the point in it. Why not just live your life? But Tony knew she had been in trouble. He promised her that leaving Bristol was one of the best decisions he'd ever made, and she could do the same if she worked hard enough. She could do her AS exams in November and then do A-Levels later in the year. Then she'd be free. She'd have a few qualifications and she could do what she liked. But when she scanned her eyes over an old poem in her English book, it just made things worse.

'And, even yet, I dare not let it languish,  
Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;  
Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,  
How could I seek the empty world again?'

Memory's rapturous pain. The empty world. That's exactly how she felt. The poet had spent her whole life pining over a lost lover who died when she was still in her early teens. She didn't really move on. And it terrified Effy to think that if her feelings matched quite accurately to those expressed in the poem, maybe she wouldn't move on. Freddie hadn't spoke to her in weeks. Maybe he'd forgotten his promise. Maybe he was sick of walking on eggshells around Cook and Katie and had just decided she wasn't worth it. Maybe. Maybe not. Everything overwhelmed her at the moment. She missed her brother. She missed her friends. She even missed having a proper family, no matter how dysfunctional they tended to be. She hated the fact that she could change things to make them better, but she didn't know how. And all she seemed to be doing now was indulging in memory's rapturous pain. She was supposed to be controlling herself. But with every action of self-control, with every day without food, the opposite was happening. She was slowly but surely spiralling out of all control. She was being taken over by something. Something had grabbed hold of her and wormed it's way inside her and it wouldn't let her go. She was panicking. What had happened to the cool, calm girl who could sort out everything? She was lost. She was trapped. And she was scared. The alcohol had ran out. All she was left with was the thoughts churning round her head and the physical pain that rattled through her body as she verged on almost starvation. This time though, she knew the thoughts were real. She couldn't blame them on alcohol. They were real. She wasn't used to feeling so low. Everything was magnified and worsened by the emptiness inside her. She could barely even stand up now. She was cold as well. Icy cold. No amount of clothes seemed to help. At times, she woke up feeling like she was drowning, falling. She didn't know how long she could carry on like this, but she was scared to stop. It's not that she wouldn't stop. She couldn't stop.

She thought about Cassie. At the time, she didn't really understand why Cassie was doing that to herself. Now she realised that she probably didn't even have a choice. It's not something you choose for yourself. The thought creeps into your head and then it chooses you. It controls you. But Effy wasn't like Cassie. She wasn't doing it to be thinner. She didn't care about how she looked. She did it so she could sort things out, but that was becoming impossible.

She'd no idea how many days or weeks had passed now. She'd completely lost track of time. Confused and weaker than ever before. Everything was a blur, but the pain was gradually going away. She couldn't feel anything anymore. And it was good.

She was interrupted by someone banging on the door, rushing over to where she lay. She could faintly hear someone whispering, "Oh God, Effy, what have you done, what have you done".

She recognised the voice but couldn't place it. The voices. She felt someone stroking her hair. Then she felt nothing. She felt free. She was flying.

-

---------

**More coming soon!**


	2. Panic

She was lying on the floor when they found her, leaning against a chair. The room was a mess. Empty bottles were strewn everywhere along with heaps of clothes and a few old books. An unrecognisable stench hung in the air. It was dark and eerily silent.

The house looked empty, abandoned, and until that moment, they'd thought it was. It had been weeks since anyone had seen Effy. Her phone was never answered. They hadn't been fighting or anything when they last saw her, but they hadn't exactly been on great terms either. They weren't too surprised she'd left without telling them. No-one ever left or entered the house. The car was gone. No-one had seen her mum around either, so they all had just assumed they both were away on holiday or something.

It was JJ who first made them think otherwise. A few weeks after they'd last heard from her, he noticed an upstairs light flicker on as he walked past one night. He told the rest of the group and they all thought Anthea had come home. They planned to go over and demand for her to tell them where Effy was. They were angry with her now. Being stubborn for a day or two is one thing. Going off out of the town for weeks without reason, without telling anyone, is another.

Freddie and Naomi decided they would be the ones to go. They rang the door bell, but no-one answered. The house still looked empty. Both of them strongly doubted that they'd jumped to the right conclusions from JJ's observation. Nevertheless, they were curious. To their surprise, the front door wasn't locked. They called out a few times, but got no reply. Freddie knew his way around the house quite well, and he led Naomi straight up to Effy's room. After knocking the door loudly, they ignored the lack or response and went in anyway.

They both took a second or two to absorb what they were seeing. Freddie was frozen on the spot with shock. Naomi, however, was quicker to react. She raced over to where Effy lay and immediately tried to find a pulse. Her unnatually pale skin was cold, icy cold, and it had a greyish tinge. Her pulse was slow, much slower than it should have been, but it was there. Her eyes flickered open for a brief second. She looked dazed, just completely out of it.

"Freddie, call an ambulance. Now!" Naomi ordered. Her voice was shaking slightly, but it was still strong, and snapped Freddie straight out of his trance.

Neither of them spoke as they waited for the ambulance to arrive. It was taking forever.

Naomi just knelt by Effy's side, stroking her matted hair, checking her pulse every few minutes. Freddie still stood on the same spot, unable to move.

They both tried to put together some idea of what might have happened. How long had she been here for? Had she taken an overdose? They couldn't see any boxes or bottles that looked like they might have held pills. They couldn't see needles either. Both of them were struggling to understand how they hadn't even thought to check on her before now.

Even the paramedics looked horrified when they eventually arrived. That was never a good sign. They demanded answers from Freddie and Naomi and were worried by how little they knew. They tried to act like they knew what they were doing, giving those supposedly reassuring smiles that only medical professionals give, but both Freddie and Naomi knew better. They heard the paramedics whispering in the front of the ambulance as they whizzed down the road. 'What can we do when we don't know what's happened, what she's taken', one asked, as another sighed, 'God. This one's barely more than a kid'. They were both terrified.

The ambulance slowed to a halt and they climbed out with shaky limbs. All they could do now was wait.


	3. Confusion

They were all consumed with feelings of guilt, worry and déja vu as they sat in the waiting room.

Cook repeatedly paced up and down the room quickly and anxiously, not caring how much noise he made, occasionally swearing under his breath, shaking his head, shooting angry glances at Freddie.

Freddie sat silently with his elbows resting on his knees, his head touching his hands as he stared at the floor.

Thomas and Emily attempted to console a slightly hysterical Pandora.

JJ scanned his eyes over various medical leaflets, soaking up all the information like a sponge, his foot tapping rhythmically to an inaudible yet perfect beat, his face etched with panic.

Katie was quiet and still.

Naomi alternated between trying to somehow comfort Freddie and reading the leaflets JJ tossed across the table after he'd finished with them.

Every fifteen minutes or so, he'd get up and sort the messy pile of leaflets into a neat stack before lifting another and going back to his seat.

"It's human nature to want to make order out of chaos", he'd mumble.

Once in a while, someone would mutter something along the lines of, "Why didn't we notice?" or, "I should have been there', and they'd all faintly whisper some sort of reply, but apart from that, they didn't really speak. All they wanted was answers, and nobody had any.

After a few hours had passed, a doctor came in and asked to speak to whoever was related to Effy. Since none of them were, and none of them knew her family's phone numbers, Freddie and Naomi both just stepped forward. Naomi, because out of all of them, she was the calmest and strongest in situations like this, and also because she seemed to have some sort of understanding of Effy's complex ways. Freddie, simply because he loved her.

He led them into a smaller, more professional room and asked them to take a seat.

He asked them a few questions about Effy to start with. 'Did she say anything you think may be significant when you last saw her?' 'Has this ever happened before?' 'How is her family life?' 'Was there anyone at all who may have known about this?' He repeated a few of the questions, trying to somehow catch them out, of course, with no success.

Their answers weren't very helpful. They were tired of questions. They wanted to know what had happened. They wanted to know if she was going to be ok. The doctor sighed loudly, glanced at his clipboard and leaned forward in his chair, in the sort of way that demanded honesty from them as he spoke with a sincere tone, almost a whisper, 'Are either of you aware of any history she may have had relating to eating disorders?'

Freddie and Naomi exchanged a confused, worried glance, "Uh..umm..no. No I don't think so." Freddie confirmed.

The doctor nodded and leaned back in his chair. His voice, now louder, took on a more knowledgable, professional tone, "Our results have indicated that Elizabeth is very undernourished. We can't be sure, but it's certainly possible, judging by our tests, that she hasn't eaten in a long time. We can't find traces of any substances whatsoever taken within the last two weeks at least, and although the results of one test make it evident that she has taken various drugs and alcoholic drinks, they haven't been consumed recently enough to show up on the last test we carried out."

Freddie stared at the ground and closed his eyes, shaking his head. He couldn't understand it. Guilt just echoed louder and louder through his mind as the doctor spoke. Naomi had placed a gentle hand on his knee, but it didn't help. What kind of boyfriend lets this happen? The same thought kept hitting him. She'd have been better off with Cook.

"Will she be ok?" Naomi asked quietly.

The doctor sighed loudly. "Elizabeth is very ill. Only time will tell. We've received some research on similar situations, and I'm afraid the rate of recovery varies widely among different patients. Asides from severe weight loss, according to our results, she currently has Hypotension, dehydration, Anaemia, Bradycardia, and a reduction in white blood cell count, resulting in reduced immune system function. "

He read Freddie and Naomi's faces for their reactions, more sympathetic now as he acknowledged the clear confusion and worry in their eyes. He continued, "Our main concern is that her heart is beating too slowly, and this is putting a strain on the rest of her organs. We are currently doing everything we can. Althought it's not what you want to hear, you have to understand that if her condition worsens, there is little we can do. It is too early to say how she will respond to the treatment. On the more positive hand, if she responds well, and if her heart rate and blood pressure can be maintained at a healthier level, the other problems will be easier to control and full recovery is possible. I cannot, however, make any guarantees. Either way, she is not expected to regain consciousness for at least few days, and she will be very weak for a quite a while. Like I said before, Elizabeth is very ill".

He carried on, going into more detail about the treatment and the chances of recovery, but it was all a blur to both of them. They hadn't known what to expect, but they certainly hadn't expected the results to indicate self-induced starvation. Althought they hadn't had any personal experience with that, they both were well aware that it involved extreme suffering, too much to even think about. She'd been on her own, struggling to the point where she lost consciousness, and all that time, they'd been angry with her. Angry. Acute guilt, shame and confusion occupied every part of their minds. Why exactly did she do that? What kind of friends were they, when two of them ended up in intensive care in only a matter of weeks? Why hadn't they been there for her? How low must she have been?

They eventually left the room, solemn and shaken up as they headed back to the rest of the group. Freddie hesitated outside the door. He couldn't face the others. He'd been practically numb until now, but the realisation of what had happened had finally sunk in and he couldn't bear it. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve roughly and angrily, trying to stop himself from crying but there was no point. It was beyond his control. Ever since his mum died, numbness had blocked out most of the emotion, but now it just overflowed as if something had switched on inside him. It tore at his heart and whirled round in his head. Blame. Guilt. Fear. No matter how often the others tried to say it wasn't his fault, he knew they were wrong. They were all wrong. He felt like he was about five years old again as he sobbed into Naomi's patient shoulders but he didn't care. It couldn't make him feel any weaker, any worse than he already did. It was his fault. He'd led her to this. Nothing anyone said was going to change that.


	4. Naomi

Naomi's POV

It's true what they say, you know. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. It's just a pity it takes someone to be close to death for us to realise that. It's a bit weird how we've all been brought closer by this whole thing. I suppose we all got a wake-up call.

There we were with our childish rivalries, our fighting, our lying, our cheating, our hiding. We were supposedly friends, and to be fair, most of those problems were caused under the influence of way too much alcohol, but still, we didn't treat each other too well, did we? We'd mainly been walking on eggshells around each other all summer- we each had one or two friends (or people slightly more than friends) from the group, who we spent all our time with, and we just avoided the rest. Yet strangely, we were still a group. We were still friends, despite the petty grudges being held. Finding Effy finally made us see how stupid we've all been, how careless we've all been to ignore her suffering.

We're all to blame, and we're all feeling guilty, except Cook, who's convinced it's all Freddie's fault. Twat. But he's hiding too. I know he is- Cook always liked to think he looked after her. He must be feeling just as bad as the rest of us, but he's got too much bloody pride to admit it. I'm working on him though. He'll come around soon enough. Katie's reaction surprised me. It was quite brave of her actually, even if I hate to admit it. Emily said she never even contemplated not coming to the hospital. She'd been genuinely upset about what had happened and had let go of all her previous hatred for Effy. Maybe she's not that bad after all. I do still think she's incredibly annoying, but it's nice to know she's got a heart.

It's funny how so many things have become clear over the past day, without anything having to be said aloud. We know we're all sorry for our stupid rows, our reckless cheating. We know we're all ashamed and we're all worried. And most importantly, we know we're not letting anything like this happen again. We made some sort of unspoken pact not to leave her on her own in this Hellhole. We've been taking it in turns to stay- coming in groups of two for a few hours before swapping with the next pair.

We've been waiting for ages. Just waiting and waiting. Time's crawling by like an injured snail. You know, I'd almost swear it's starting to go backwards. I checked the clock what seemed like fifteen minutes ago and it was at 6- now it's still at 6. Great. What's up with that?!

God, I just wish she'd wake up. I wish she'd be ok. I thought that doctor was never going to stop the last time I spoke to him- listing all this technical stuff, all the new problems they kept finding. He said they now expected that she'd fasted for over a month. How the hell did we let this happen?

I should have looked out for her. Why hadn't I realised before that she'd no-one to look after her anymore? Cook and Freddie had sort of started to be friends again and they were both too scared of each other to spend much time with her, or to go looking for her when we thought she'd gone on holiday. There was Panda, but Panda's so naiive she can barely look after herself, let alone Effy. I'd heard her family had sort of fallen apart too so that was them out the window. It all seems so obvious now. How could any of us have expected her to have been ok? If anything went wrong, she got the blame, she got the pressure.

I can't even stand to think about what might have happened if we'd came any later.

She looked so small and pale and weak when we found her. The opposite of the Effy we thought we knew. I always knew she wasn't as strong as she tried to be, but I'd no idea things were that bad.

I don't really know what to do now. Stay strong, I suppose. What's done is done and can't be changed. We'll just have to keep on waiting. I even tried praying. I haven't prayed since I was about 6, I don't even have a religion anymore, but anything's got to be worth a try. Desperate times seek desperate measures and all that. God, if you're there, if you're real, if you're listening now, please just help her.

I'm sort of hanging on to the hope that if she's strong enough to resist food for so long, she'll be strong enough to pull through. I'm trying not to dwell on the past, on the what ifs. It's a bit too late for that. We need to patient and we need to keep going.

Freddie, bless him, he's taken it really badly. I've never seen him like this. Even when it's his turn to go home, he keeps refusing to leave. He's like a zombie, really lifeless. He just looks like he wants the ground to swallow him up. He's taking whatever blame Cook throws at him acceptingly. In his eyes, it's all his fault anyway. He loves her. He's loved her for a long time and he's been scared to show it. In a way, I think Effy is to Freddie what Emily is to me.

It's hard not to show your fear in places like this, where everyone is solemn and worried. Where everything is wrong. I sometimes wonder how the staff don't go insane. But I suppose you just get used to it. If all else fails, you have to still be strong for the sake of the others, you just have to.


	5. Freddie

Freddie's POV

Could this get any worse? All that time, all that fighting over her. I'd done everything to get Effy, and it had finally worked. And I just went and wasted it all. I just left her. I let it all go up in smoke because I couldn't be bothered trying to make things easier. I stupidly just expected things to work themselves out over time. God, I should have known it doesn't work like that. It was hard to make it work. It was just too hard. I wanted her and she wanted me, but everywhere we went, it was wrong. Cook was always gazing after her- the look in his eyes always made me feel guilty. I've known him for ages, since we were just kids in playschool, hitting each other with sticks and stuff and fighting in the sandpit. Best mates for life. He does my head in most of the time, but I've only known Effy for less than a year and it's hard not to stick by the people you've known all your life. When Cook wasn't there watching us, there was Katie. Her face still hasn't healed up yet, and if looking at that, looking at what you partly caused, isn't enough to make someone feel guilty, then I don't know what is. And even if neither Cook or Katie were there, other people would stare. Random strangers. They'd heard what had happened to Katie. They hated both of us. Everywhere we went together, their accusing looks of disgust followed us, leaving a trail of whispers behind. 'Hey, look, that's that girl who hit one of the Fitch twins.' 'There's that McLair boy- did you hear he cheated on his girlfriend?'. It was driving me crazy and I told her we'd take a break for a while.

I just can't get my head around what's happened to her. What I allowed to happen to her. If I hadn't been so stupid, so ignorant. If I'd only opened my eyes for a few minutes to notice, she wouldn't be here. She wouldn't be lying unconscious on a hospital bed all tangled up in wires. I'm supposed to be her boyfriend. I'm supposed to look after her and protect her from people who would hurt her. But I'm the one who hurt her. I thought she'd gone on holiday. Even if she had, I should have gone after her. This is all my fault. Leaving her alone like that. God only knows what was running through her head. None of us coming to look for her. She'd been in her room for weeks. She must have thought none of us cared. It's hard to imagine what she must have been going through. Things must have been bad if she didn't eat for weeks. It must have been painful. I can hardly bear to think about her sitting in that dark, cold room suffering for so long alone. She's never been too open. She's just not that type of person. I should have known I'd need to pay a lot of attention to try and figure her out. She's not the kind of person who'd tell you that she's not ok. I should have been more careful. I should have realised. I should have stuck by her. But no, I chose to be influenced by those random people and their stupid gossip instead. They don't know us. They don't understand us. Why couldn't I have seen then that they don't matter? I let the girl I love slip into this sort of state just because I didn't want to listen to gossip. I was selfish and I left her to pay the price.

I really hate hospitals. Always have, always will. Everyone's trapped. Lying in beds people have died in. That's the other thing. There's death everywhere. After Katie came out of hospital, I swore I'd pay more attention to the people I care about. I wouldn't let things like that happen. There's nothing in this world harder than losing someone you love, and I know that better than most. There's nothing harder than that, except maybe knowing that you could have stopped it.

I just want to talk to her. I want to tell her I'm sorry. I just want her to be ok. I don't expect her to forgive me for letting her get like this. She could have died. She could have died. If it wasn't for JJ, she would have died. I don't expect the others to forgive me either. Cook's right. I know he is. This wouldn't have happened if she was with him. You know, part of me wishes they were all as angry with me as Cook is. They're being so nice and understanding but I don't deserve that. I couldn't deserve that. Maybe if it had only been a week, you could justify not noticing. But for over a month, it's a different story. I don't know why they don't hate me. Yeah, they're her friends too, but when she'd chosen me after being put under so much pressure over the last few months, I should have always been there for her. What are we going to do when her brother gets here? What are we meant to say? - 'Sorry mate, your little sister stayed in her room alone without eating anything for over a month, but we didn't notice- we thought she was on holiday. I'm her boyfriend by the way'.? The worst part of it is that it's true. Her brother doesn't even know what's happened yet. Her mum doesn't even know she's in hospital. We tried ringing her like a million times but she never answered her phone. Naomi had to go back to the house to get Effy's mobile so we could call Tony. We didn't know what to say. Naomi did the talking. She's been great these past few days. She's been strong and done so much and I've just been useless. She just told him she's a friend of Effy's and something had happened. She told him what hospital to go to and that she'd explain it all when he arrived. I suppose it's better face to face than over the phone. I mean, how to you break that to someone? If it was Karen, even though she drives me mad, if she'd been in Effy's position, I'd want to kill her friends for not noticing. From what I've heard, Effy's really close to her brother, even though he lives ages away now. What's he going to think when he see's her in this state? He'll be here in a few hours. I just wish I knew what to do. I hate knowing that someone you love is suffering and there's nothing you can do to help them. It's got to the point where part of me wishes I could just swap with her. I'd endure any amount of pain if it meant she could be ok, if it meant she didn't have to suffer.

She's beautiful. Everything about her. She's had to endure so much rubbish over the past year. It's not fair. She deserves better.

I can't stand this waiting. I just want her to wake up so I can let her know that I love her. She needs to know that. We all love her and we'd do anything to stop this mess. But there's nothing we can do but wait is there? There's nothing we can do.


	6. Blame

He could have drove to the hospital with his eyes closed by now, (not that that's advisable). He'd had countless numbers of checkups since the accident. Still, he was always filled with dread walking through those squeaky automatic doors. It was a horrible place. He hadn't been in a while, but nothing had changed. The same smell filled the corridors- a weird mix of disinfectant and vomit. The same dreary atmosphere was still there too- busy staff, bored families, frustrated patients. Normally anytime he was here, he'd always call in and say hello to one of the nurses who'd been treating him after the accident- she'd been fond of him and always secretly brought him a drink from the cupboard every night when no-one was looking. It was just about the only thing that kept him sane back then. But this time, he walked straight past her without even acknowledging her existance. He rushed down the corridors trying to find the room the receptionist told him to go to. He'd circled round the wards three times now and the number he was looking for didn't seem to exist. He was just about to ask for help when it clicked. He knew that number. He knew it all too well. She wasn't in a ward. She was in intensive care.

He swore to himself. He'd no idea what had happened. He'd been worrying throughout the whole journey back to Bristol, but he hadn't expected it to be anything serious. He picked up his pace and headed straight for the corridor he hated the most. There was a nurse standing outside the door, and she wouldn't let him in. He tried pleading with her, but she just said the doctors were busy and no visitors were allowed, before leading him to the waiting room. A tall, tanned boy sat next to a girl with short, blonde hair. He didn't recognise them, but he knew straight away from his brief conversations with Effy that the tough-looking angry one glaring at him from the other side of the room had to be Cook.

The girl nodded at him with a small, solemn smile. "Tony, right?"

She walked over towards him, followed by the calmer boy, who was looking very awkward and hesitant.

He nodded in response, slightly out of breath from practically running from the carpark. "Are you Effy's friends? What's happened to her?" he panted.

She looked down at the ground for a second or two, as if to say 'it's complicated', before starting to speak, "Yeah- I'm Naomi. This is Freddie, and that's Cook".

The names registered in his mind. He'd heard quite a bit about them. He already had to make an effort to refrain from hitting Cook - he thought he should at least wait until Naomi had finished talking. He'd hated Cook long before meeting him. He wasn't particularly fond of Freddie either, but he knew Effy was. Cook, on the other hand, seemed to just cause trouble, no matter how many times Effy tried to defend him. He'd heard about Cook before anyway. He had a bit of a reputation round where they lived of being completely mental. What brother wants their sister to be with someone so reckless?

Naomi deliberated over what would be the best way to tell Tony, but she'd come to the conclusion there was no point in using euphemisms with a Stonem. They'd never work.

"Effy didn't eat for over a month", she stated plainly, "No-one had any idea she was at home. The car was gone, no-one left the house, her phone was never answered- we thought she'd went on holiday until a few days ago. We're so sorry. We'd no idea what was going on. We still don't know exactly why she did it."

He was shocked and confused, struggling to believe what he'd just heard. He hadn't known what to expect. He'd thought maybe she'd passed out from drinking too much or she'd taken dodgy drugs again or something like that. Anything but this. "What? She didn't eat for a month? And nobody noticed! Please tell me this a joke- just a twisted, screwed up joke.."

They stared at their shoes, avoiding eye contact with him.

"What are they doing to her now?" he demanded angrily, "When is she going to get better?"

He felt his blood boil as Naomi explained everything to him. First the medical stuff, then the rest. She was as honest as possible- he had a right to know. He had a right to know about his little sister's life. She seemingly hadn't given him the full story when they talked on the phone- he'd no idea what she'd been going through either. When she started to explain about Freddie and Cook and how they fought over Effy, he couldn't take it any more and just leapt to his feet as rage overpowered him.

"What the hell is wrong with you two?!" he yelled at them, not caring who heard him, "You supposedly both love her and neither noticed that she stayed in her room for weeks starving herself! You're both sick!"

Freddie closed his eyes and shook his head solemnly. He agreed with Tony.

Cook, however, squared up to Tony until he was right up to his face.

"Yeah mate", he practically spat at him, his face turning red, "Because you've been the perfect brother. She's so lucky, isn't she, to have you around."

Tony was struggling to control his temper now as he looked into the Cook's cold eyes. "You're a psycho", he said, anger rippling through his voice. "I trusted she'd be fine, but mad little losers like you just go and screw her up and hurt her and now look where she is!"

Cook laughed dryly. "Right then, Mr Perfect, come and see her then, come and see your precious sister and see what a great big brother you've been".

He kicked the door open and stormed through, Tony following close behind. Naomi and Freddie unwillingly followed too, worried. They tried to get stop Cook and Tony to stop, but had no success. Both were as stubborn as each other.

Yelling abuse at each other the whole way down the corridor, they burst through the next door, pushing the shocked nurse back in the process.

"And you say I'm sick?" Cook shouted accusingly, ignoring the flustered doctors gathering around them, as he pointed to Effy lying lifeless, surrounded by machines, "I'm not her brother, mate. You look after her so well, don't you? Your mum must be so proud".

And with that, Tony just lost it, "I had a reason! I was away! You were there and you didn't notice! You all just left her there- you didn't even notice!" His attempt to hit Cook right in the face was stopped short by a doctor grabbing him and Freddie grabbing Cook, pulling them apart. Cook was out of breath and full of anger as he headed for the door, turning to face them one last time before leaving "Yeah, well she trusted you two. She turned me down, didn't she? Not you two though, because you're both perfect, aren't you? She didn't want me anymore- but you lot, you let her down. Perfect boyfriend and perfect brother- look at what you've done to her!"

Tony roughly jerked out of the doctor's grasp and ran over to the bed. Freddie followed him. None of them had seen her up close. They hadn't been allowed.

Naomi watched them, biting her lip as she felt silent tears slide down her cheeks for the first time since they'd found her. 'Stay strong', she told herself repeatedly, trying not to cry in front of them, 'Stay strong'.

Tony knelt down beside Effy and placed his hand on her cold forehead. Everywhere else seemed to be covered with wires and tubes. He barely recognised her. She was tiny now. She looked so vulnerable, like a little child as she lay like that. He was meant to take care of her. He should have been at home more often. He knew Cook was right and that was partly why he hated him so much. He hated the truth. His only sister, the only person in the world he truly loved, could die, and he could have stopped it.

Freddie was just shaking, horrified at what he was seeing, horrified they'd let her get like this.

"I'm so sorry Eff, I'm so sorry", Tony called helplessly to his unconscious sister as a security guard dragged them away. He croaked "I love you so much", unable to control his emotion as he left the room and the door was shut tightly behind them.


	7. Waiting

**Sorry this chapter is short- more coming soon. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed :)**

Cook still hadn't came back to the hospital since his confrontation with Tony. He wanted to be near Effy but he couldn't stand being around the others. He just spent most of his time going from pub to pub, day and night, doing what he felt like. No-one was around to tell him otherwise anymore. What did it matter anyway? When you're Cook, you're always going to be wrong. You're always going to be blamed for other people's mistakes. That's just the way it is.

Back at the hospital, things were just at a standstill. Her condition hadn't changed much at all, except for the occasional brief deterioration that scared the life out of all of them. They were still waiting. Still completely unaware of what would happen, completely unaware of what the future held, whether she'd live or die. It had been almost two weeks now. You'd expect each day to get slightly easier as you became more familiar with the surroundings, but it didn't work like that. Every new day just got harder and harder. Every new day was another day without her. Summer had ended, but it didn't seem like it. They'd pretty much all been oblivious to the world around them for the last fortnight. Nothing mattered. They hadn't gone back to college. They couldn't face going back yet while she was still in this state. Tony hadn't gone back to university either. He spent most of his time at the hospital but occasionally went home. He'd spend hours walking around the empty house, looking for something, without even knowing what he was looking for. Anything that might give him a clue, give him a better insight into why she might have stopped eating, but he couldn't really find anything. He hadn't expected to. Nothing was obvious with Effy. She was always so complex. An enigma, even to him at times. Their mum still hadn't came home. According to his aunt, she'd gone on a cruise for a month with some man from a bar or something. She still didn't know about Effy. Everything was just a mess.

Freddie, Tony, JJ and Emily were at the hospital now. Tony was wandering around the room aimlessly. He hated sitting still. It made him feel really useless, not doing anything at all- he couldn't concentrate unless he was doing something. JJ had come prepared. He was reading a history text book his mum had made him get from college so he wouldn't fall behind. For once though, he didn't really want to learn. He was just doing it for the sake of doing something. He already knew most of the stuff in the book anyway. Emily walked around the room quietly, reading all the posters on the walls. Freddie just stared into space, thinking.

Mostly, they just waited in silence. Once or twice a day, various specialists would come in and question whoever was there. Psychologists and eating disorder specialists mainly- no matter how many times they told them they were almost certain she wouldn't do it to lose weight, they weren't convinced. They didn't seem to understand what other motives she may have had, and her friends found it almost impossible to explain, because to be honest, they didn't really know either. Even police came. They wanted to know why she'd been left alone for so long, and why no-one had noticed what she'd been doing. They were suspicious that someone had abused her or threatened her and she'd tried to punish herself. They were suspicious that from their lack of knowledge, Effy's friends were all just trying to cover up for someone. None of the many hours of questioning brought them any closer to the truth.

After a while, a typically expressionless doctor walked in quietly, carrying a clipboard. Immediately, their heads all shot up simultaneously to look towards him, instantly snapping out of their dazes. Their hearts beat faster and their heads spun round in worry. This had happened before. It was never good news. Although, this was a different doctor than the previous times. This meant nothing to Emily, Freddie and JJ. They'd seen more medical staff in the last fortnight than they had in their whole lives, even JJ. Tony, however, knew differently. He felt his stomach flip over in panic. He recognised this man straight away. He didn't work in this hospital- he was one of the best doctors in the whole country. Although the other staff liked to make you think he was just there by coincidence, Tony was fully aware that he only ever came as far as Bristol in exceptional circumstances- in other words when the rest of the doctors were clueless and thought you were going to die. He'd been there at the time of the accident.

"What's going on?" Tony asked cautiously as his worried eyes slowly met the doctor's blank, emotionless face.


	8. Changes

The tension in the room was increasing as the doctor just looked at them with a knowing gaze. It couldn't have been more than a few seconds, but it seemed like forever. Tony was shaking his head, unwilling to hear what the doctor was going to say before he had even opened his mouth. He felt like every cell in his body was filled with terror. JJ and Emily were starting to sense his panic and began to worry too, exchanging nervous glances. Freddie was frozen once again.

The old man took a step forward and looked at his clipboard once again, even though he didn't really need to. It was more of a formality, a habit. He spoke calmly,

"I've come to tell you something. Elizabeth, as I'm sure you're all aware, has been ill for a long time. She has been in a coma for fourteen days".

Tony felt himself start to shake. He could barely stand to listen to the man. She was his little sister, his only sister. In his mind, his world was already collapsing. It was as if time had frozen. Everything was just a whirlpool of emotions. Fear, anger, worry, sorrow, panic, guilt, regret, love, hate, confusion.

"I've come to tell you that Elizabeth has woken up".

Everything just changed in that split second. It couldn't have been more unexpected. None of them spoke at first. They struggled to believe that what they were hearing was true. They'd been waiting for days on end for this moment, and now that it had finally come, they found it hard to accept. Was it even real?

"What?!" Tony spluttered. "I..I..thought she was.. she.."

The old doctor smiled wisely and nodded, "You, Mr Stonem, I thought you'd have had more faith."

A nurse had appeared at the door and looked directly at the doctor, giving him a silent message.

Tony was confused for a second. How could a man of his age who treated many hundreds of patients each year remember a boy who'd been covered in bandages and bruises last time he'd seen him?

"You remember me?" he asked, surprised.

The doctor smiled again. "I always remember, Tony. Does late night alcohol ring a bell?"

Tony spluttered again, embarrassed. He thought no-one knew. "How did you..?"

He laughed quietly and wisely as he turned to leave. "Like I said, Mr Stonem, I always remember", and with that he just walked away.

They were all a bit bewildered at what the mysterious old doctor had just told them. He'd only been there a few seconds and had already changed everything beyond belief.

A new whirlpool of emotions hit Tony. Relief, surprise, joy, anticipation, shock, confusion. She had woken up. She was alive.

The huge grin now plastered across JJ's face meant Emily couldn't help but laugh.

Freddie was too surprised to be happy yet. JJ looked up at him, still smiling, but his voice was slightly more serious, "She'll be alright now Freds, won't she?"

As if to answer his question, another doctor appeared at the door. He told them that the older doctor had finally managed to get her to respond, and how exactly he had done that was beyond their understanding. She was starting to wake up slowly. He warned them that although she had woken up, she still was extremely unwell and it by no means guaranteed recovery, but it was a step in the right direction. He said visitors weren't allowed yet, but they could see her in a couple of hours.

After that, they immediately went outside to ring the rest of the group. They called Thomas first. He babbled something in french and they could hear Pandora's excited squeal as he told her. Cook didn't answer his phone, although he did secretely listen to his voicemail and had a couple of celebratory drinks. Naomi just whispered, "Thank God, thank God", and promised to be there as soon as possible. Katie was on her way there too.

Less than half an hour later, they were all gathered in the waiting room once again, all except Cook. This time, however, the tension was replaced with anticipation. The silence was replaced by excited yet nervous chatter and optimism. Their depression had finally been lifted. Of course, they were all still really worried about her and scared about what they would see later on, but she was alive at least. She was alive. It was a glimmer of hope. Maybe she could be ok after all.


	9. Fear

------

They walked in nervously and gathered around the bed, trying to hide their shock at seeing her look so pale and fragile. Her eyes were closed. The nurse had told them she was very weak and struggled to stay awake for more than a few minutes, so they weren't surprised. However, their previous optimism was starting to fade as they realised how bad a state she was really in.

Tony held her hand gently, trying very hard not to hurt her in any way. She opened her eyes slowly to find her brother looking down at her. "Tony..", she mumled, smiling. For a second or two, she was content. She didn't know where she was or why she was there- it hadn't occured to her to think about it yet. She just knew Tony was there, holding her hand, and she was happy.

A moment later, she started to come round slightly and became a bit more aware of her surroundings. She looked up to find several people staring back at her. Her vision was all blurry, but one by one she recognised the faces. Thomas, Pandora, Naomi, Emily, Katie, JJ. She then realised Freddie was holding her other hand. She scanned her eyes back and forth, confused and scared. Where was she? What were they doing here? Katie. Why was she here? They hated her. What was happening?

Her tired eyes were full of panic. Her natural instinct was to want to get away as quick as possible, but she was trapped and scared and intimidated. Even something as simple as turning her head hurt like hell. She tried to speak. Maybe they wanted an apology. Maybe that's why they were there, crowding over her. She wanted to say something, but the tubes attached to her made it difficult and painful, "S-so-r-ry", she croaked, her throat dry, her voice cracking. She tried to ignore the pain, scared of what they might do to her. "I'm so-rry". Sharp pain shot through her, eyes now wide with fear. Everything ached. She couldn't understand what was happening or where she was.

"It's ok, Effy, it's ok. Don't speak", Naomi said, clearly yet gently. They were all wincing at seeing how much pain trying to talk was causing her. They hated seeing her suffer. She looked so lost and scared, about as far removed from the old Effy as possible.

The familiar voice calmed her down slightly and her fear was replaced by overpowering tiredness and weakness. She could barely keep her eyes open. She didn't even notice the nurse by her side.

All at once, Freddie and Pandora started trying desperately to talk to her, trying not to let her fall asleep. They hadn't spoken to her in so long, and with the state she was in, they didn't know when they'd next get to see her. There was so much they wanted to tell her. Freddie in particular, as he knew just how hard it is when you let someone slip away without telling them how much you love them.

"Eff, we were so worried", "Eff, what happened", "We missed you so much".

A sort of passive confusion that only Tony and Katie understood was etched across her face. The voices floated past her, flashing in her head for a brief second before disappearing. She wanted to listen, but she couldn't hear them anymore, she couldn't stay awake.

"Please Effy, don't fall asleep", Freddie begged her.

"Let her rest", Katie said quietly, speaking up in front of the group for the first time in days, "She's tired".

Emily gave Katie's hand a gentle squeeze. She knew that it took a lot of strength from her sister to show compassion to someone who had hurt her.

They filed back into the waiting room, solemn once again, worried once again, confused once again. Recovery was by no means going to be an easy journey. The path of self-destruction was long and dangerous, but it seemed like the road back would end up being just as hard.

---------------------------------------

**If you have time, let me know what you think :) Sorry parts of this story are a bit rushed :/ Trying to get it finished before exams start. **


	10. Reality

A few days later, she was able to talk more easily. She wasn't as worried or as lost now that she knew where she was, and she'd been briefly informed about everything that had happened and why Katie had forgiven her. Everyone was acting strangely around her now, being more polite and formal than they normally would. It wasn't real. She knew that was typically how patients were treated, but it still annoyed her. When they were allowed to visit, they talked a lot, but didn't say much. It was as if they were talking to a complete stranger at times, just making random observations, like 'The wallpaper looks a bit old', or, 'Do you think it's cold in here?' When they weren't making small talk, they seemed to be analysing everything she said, asking weird questions, trying to work her out. So far, they had avoided directly asking her why she had done what she did, but it was implied through many of their questions. She realised this straight away, and promptly pretented to interpret the questions differently, either answering with something irrelevant to what they had wanted her to say, or simply giving a passive shrug. She was embarrased, and thought they wouldn't understand her reasons. They'd think she was crazy. They'd be angry with her for doing something so dangerous for reasons that made no sense to them. She was scared to be honest. She wanted to tell them eventually, but not now. Not when they'd go back to the waiting room and discuss every word she'd said. Not when there were so many doctors and psychiatrists and counsellors floating about. If they found out, they'd probably send her to a mental hospital. She wasn't insane. She did need help, but not that kind of help, not from psychologists, not help from people who would never understand. She hoped at least Tony and a few of her friends could understand eventually, but for now, she just wasn't ready.

She was a bit scared by how things had got out of hand so easily without her even fully realising how extreme her actions were. And it took a lot to scare Effy. She had lost sight of her goal to sort things out after just a few days and it all had spiralled out of control from there. She'd wanted to fix things. Now everything was broken and wrong. Her suffering had made them suffer. No matter how hard they tried to hide it, she could see the pain and worry in their eyes. All of them. She'd done it because she wanted to make things better. She messed them up so badly before, but now she felt like she'd just made things worse. She thought not eating would clear her mind and help her focus but it just blurred everything. She was angry with herself. It seemed like everything she touched just crumbled. Nothing seemed to be right.

She was surprised by how nice they were all being, how much they cared. The concern in their faces made her feel so guilty for putting them through all that worry. She felt like she didn't deserve them, any of them. Their kindness was starting to get on her nerves. She just wished they'd be honest. She just wished they would stop treating her differently. Maybe then she could at least see things more clearly. Freddie was confusing her. She could normally read people with ease, even him, but not now. He'd seemed ashamed of her before. She understood that, but now he seemed to love her again. He seemed to think it was his fault. She couldn't figure out if he was telling the truth now or just trying not to hurt her.

She had barely any energy now. Everything hurt when she tried to move. Her head pounded constantly. She hated the lack of freedom. Stuck in an aching, weak body, trapped in a dreary hospital, constantly being watched. She wanted to just get out as soon as possible before she really did go crazy, but it didn't look like she'd be allowed home any time soon.

The nurse came in to ask if she felt up to seeing another visitor. She nodded calmly, even though she really didn't want to see anyone right now. How many times a day can a person answer 'How are you feeling' and 'Is there anything you want to talk about' without going insane? She'd put them through so much though, and she did love them, so the least she could do was answer their mundane questions.

She was surprised to see Cook walk through the door. She'd expected Freddie or Tony. Anyone but Cook. She hadn't spoken to him since she woke up yet. She'd heard he'd had a fight with her brother, but no-one seemed willing to elaborate, and she was aware she'd probably been given a slightly biased, edited account of the story. They were only trying to protect her, but there's no fooling Effy Stonem.

"Alright Eff?" he asked, in his typical casual way. She liked that. Everyone else changed their tone of voice when they talked to her now, as if they were talking to a child.

She shrugged. "You?"

He ignored the question. She already knew the answer anyway.

"You had us worried there. We thought you were going to die".

She nodded acceptingly. There was something weirdly comforting about his bluntness, his honesty.

"So why'd you do it, Eff?" he asked.

She didn't really feel like lying now. She didn't think he'd be in a hurry to go telling the others anyway. She didn't have to be fake with Cook.

"To fix things", she stated. "For freedom, control, independance.."

He looked confused for a second. Sometimes he didn't even bother trying to make sense of what she said.

"And did it work?" he asked plainly.

She shook her head with a small smile. He smiled back at her. "You're a mad one, you know that?"

She could tell Cook hadn't had an easy summer either. He'd lost his spark, his friends, his girlfriend. But he was a fighter and he never backed down. There was something about his strength and determination that made her feel guilty, both for her weakness and for having hurt him earlier.

He walked around the room, looking around. He seemed to be the only person who wasn't intimidated by the machines and wires everywhere, the only one who didn't stare at her.

After a minute or two, he spoke again, "How do you stick this place? Does it not do your head in, Eff, not having any drugs, not having any fun? Careful it doesn't make you too serious babe, you might turn into Freds".

She smiled at his strange concern. He didn't treat her any differently now than before and that was just what she had wanted. Truth. Reality. Honesty. She wasn't with Cook anymore, but they both knew he'd always be there. There was always going to be Cook and Effy. Someone to understand her, without really understanding, without interfering too much. They were both outsiders in a way. Different than the rest. One too wild, one too complex. They could drift in and out and struggle forever to stay in their place in the group. But he'd always have her and she'd always have him, maybe just as friends, but that was a hell of a lot better than nothing.


	11. Freedom?

For the next week or two, they were bored. On the plus side, Effy was getting stronger. However, although her unexpected recovery was good, it meant the doctors could question her a lot more intensely. She tried to give as little away as possible. They wouldn't know how to help, so they didn't need to know. Her passively clever answers frustrated them. She answered in a way that they weren't able to argue with, but it didn't really give them any clues either. It answered the questions and no more. It was a skill she'd picked up after her years of silence, spent watching how other people talked way too much and how this had just made their problems worse. She didn't feel like she still needed to even be in the hospital, but the doctors clearly disagreed. Her blood pressure was still way too low and she would be generally weak and prone to illness for quite a while, so she was just stuck there. The others had gone back to college, but Tony stayed to keep her company until she got back home. She'd tried to convince him to go back to Cardiff before he missed any more university, but he wouldn't hear of it. 'I should have been there then, Eff. At least let me be here now. I need to know you're ok'. She found it hard to argue with her brother, and anyway, she was quite glad he was there. He reminded her of how things used to be. Everything was changing so quickly. People were appearing and disappearing from her life all time, and it made her feel safer knowing that there was someone with her who'd been there all along. Something constant.

The group had come to the conclusion that Effy wouldn't tell them her reasons anytime soon, and had kinda stopped trying to figure everything out, because so far, it hadn't got them anywhere. They hadn't stopped caring. They cared about her just as much as ever, but they accepted that they'd probably never understand her. With someone so enigmatic, it's sometimes just better to live for the moment and forget trying to make sense of the past. It's not likely to work. Instead, they'd decided that they'd just be sure to be more observant and to look after her and everyone in the group more from now on to avoid anything this serious happening again. Although they'd accepted this, it had held them back slightly. They didn't really know what to say to her. They didn't want to keep bringing up the past, as that had clearly led her into such a rubbish situation, and the present wasn't exciting enough to talk about. Mainly, their conversations were awkward. They felt like they were back in primary school. Speaking properly, being polite, behaving well around each other, but there's only so much you can say when there's always a nurse or doctor close by.

They were tired of how time was just dragging out. The atmosphere was always dull and depressing. The hospital was boring. Everywhere else was boring too because they felt too guilty to have a good time when not everyone was there. They had to do something to liven things up a bit before they all went into some form of hibernation due to boredom.

One night after college, Naomi and JJ shuffled into the room quickly and happily. The look on their faces made it clear that they had something to tell her.

"Hi.." she said warily.

They just grinned. "We're getting out of here Effy, all of us." Naomi stated.

Effy raised her eyebrows in amusement, as if to say 'yeah right', but secretly, she was intrigued.

"We're going to go somewhere. Wherever we feel like. Like, now." Naomi continued.

"Right", Effy said, unconvinced. "And how do you plan to do that? They said I'm not allowed home yet".

JJ smiled, speaking with uncharacteristic confidence because of his excitement. "Yeah, they always say that when they think you're mental. Trust me, I know. All you have to do is sign yourself out. They'll probably hate you forever, but who cares. Screw them all, right Naomi?. That's what Fred said. Tony's busy talking to them, pretending that after all these weeks, he's suddenly developed a remarkable interest in the science behind his treatment. They won't even notice you leaving, probably. If they know you're leaving though, they'll ask you a million, billion questions and you won't get out until you're around 80. So we'd better go now."

"But.." she objected weakly.

Naomi gave her an encouraging smile. She knew Effy had never been one for following the rules, but after everything had been so messed up, of course it would be hard for her to have faith in more crazy plans and impulse decisions. "If they say you have to stay, they're wrong, Effy. You don't have to do anything in your life except die. Come on. Let's just get away from this crap and go somewhere. Just for a few days. Call it a late summer."

She hesitated for a few seconds, then smiled. "Cool".

JJ spoke again, "I'll look after you when we're away, Eff. I've been reading loads about all your conditions. Although medically, hospitals are arguably a lot safer than a car full of reckless teenagers on the road to anywhere, it should be ok. You're not exactly strong enough yet to be out, but all they're doing to you here at the moment in monitoring you. I can be your own personal monitor for the week. Yes?"

She had to laugh at his desperate pleading. How could she turn him down?

Just moments later, they were in the car. Tony had shown them a quick way to get her out. They'd exited through a corridor where, luckily, no-one even batted an eyelid. They didn't seem consider it at all abnormal to see a group of people running out the door, half-carrying a girl. As they were leaving, they'd heard footsteps, increasing in speed and loudness, coming after them, but it didn't matter. They were away. Wherever. Living for the moment, because they couldn't change the past. For now, they were free.

**Sorry for the clichéd ending! :/ There will probably be one last chapter after this :)**


	12. 3am

A puff of smoke created a haze around them, fading gently into the weak, flickering light before being replaced by another. Glasses and bottles lay scattered over the tables and on the floor. Faint music buzzed in the background as the clock hit 3am. There weren't many people left in the pub. Just a few quiet, angry men, standing alone or huddled in pairs, not speaking. Drinking the night away, just like they did every night, because they'd nowhere else to go. Nothing better than this. Apart from that, it was just them.

They were lost in that state of confusion where nothing matters. Not even your confusion matters because, for the moment, it's not important. That state where you don't have to think. Just be. Too far gone to notice the mess around you, too drunk to care. The state of being content. Relaxed. Free. The state of 3am.

Pandora lay asleep on Thomas' lap, resting their heads against each other. Naomi and Emily giggled quietly in the corner, finishing off their last drinks, not really knowing why they were laughing. They just felt like it. Katie was subconsciously flirting with one of the men at the far side of the room. Probably something they'd both regret in the morning, as the man was in his early thirties at least, but for now, it didn't matter. It was that time of the night when everyone new looks the same. No inhibitions, no worries. You just do what your heart tells you to because your head is practically disconnected. Effy was asleep. Her arm resting across Freddie's warm body, her hand gently held in his as he traced his finger slowly up and down her soft skin. He was awake, but only just. Not asleep, but still unaware of his surroundings. He didn't have to dream. He was just content. Tony had fallen asleep hours ago in the middle of a game. His head was face down on the table, which was littered with playing cards. No-one noticed the faint dripping of his pint on the floor. Cleanliness doesn't matter at 3am. JJ sat on a stool at the bar, the only one in the group who was still alert. He smiled to himself, observing his friends. They were all together again and he couldn't ask for more than that. Where were they? They didn't know. Somewhere. They'd nowhere they needed to be, so anywhere would do. They were taking each moment as it came. Living for the moment, forgetting the rest for now. Cook had fallen asleep on Effy's other side, his fingers running through her hair as she leaned against Freddie, intertwined between the two boys. It wasn't wrong at 3am.

In a strange way, things were normal again. It hadn't been easy to convince Cook to even come. JJ begged him for hours without success. However, one look into Effy's calm eyes, and he was in the car with the rest of them. They ended up wherever they felt like stopping. Somehow, everything was alright. Nothing was resolved. Things probably weren't how they should be. Two boys and one broken girl. But that was how they were. It was probably how they were going to be as well. They didn't really know how things had ended up like this. A year of confusion, a few weeks of hell, and then an irrational trip to the middle of nowhere. A crowd of beautiful disasters, lost in the state of 3am. It was wrong, probably, but at 3am, it doesn't matter.


End file.
